February 23, 2024


Parenthood is the most rewarding job in the world. And, the most demanding, tiring, chaotic, stressful, craziest, and hilarious. No wonder mom and dad can get a little… crazy sometimes. Hey, we’re not here to judge.

But all we have to do is bring some insight (and a lot of lightness) to these unique situations with the help of the creators ugly volvo, Raquel Dapes. We call it the “parental brain.” Consider it proof that you are not alone. Or crazy.

The only way to set a sleep schedule for your kids

We all share the same parenting goal of raising happy, well-adjusted children who speak Mandarin fluently, play Stravinsky’s three works for clarinet well, and are considered for New York Love Music band, and get a job at Google before puberty. .

Yes? all of us? great. The first step in achieving the child of your dreams is creating a solid sleep schedule.

Creating a sleep schedule for your child is actually the easiest thing in the world. The second easiest thing in the world is to perform a blindfolded appendectomy on a mouse (you are blindfolded, not the mouse), and the third easiest thing in the world is to memorize every article on Wikipedia and end it with The mexican tunes are recited as they dance and eat avocados.

I don’t know what the fourth easiest thing in the world is, but once my kids go to bed, I’ll be googling it and I’m almost sure it will happen soon.

In order to get your child to bed, it helps to have a plan, by which I mean a series of things that you do together on a regular basis that the child then associates with bedtime.

It’s kind of like Pavlov’s classic dog conditioning – except I have a choice between putting two hysterical kids under the age of seven to bed by 9pm or filling my house with a pack of bell-obsessed Russian dogs, Obviously I would choose a dog, because the structure of a dog’s mouth prevents it from uttering the phrase “I need a glass of water.”

Plus, when the dogs get out of control, you can totally let them sleep outside in a dog house, a place where you can only metaphorically house your children.

When creating a sleep routine for your child, start with activities that help them relax.

Don’t wrestle them or play songs designed to get their adrenaline pumping, such as Katrina and the Waves’ “Pump Up the Volume” or “Walking on Sunshine.” That’s when you limit the stimulants, and by stimulants, I mean anything they find stimulating.

That means, if part of your bedtime routine includes reading them stories, steer clear of action/adventure stories or anything with a suspense or plot. It would be nice if you could find something that had a bunch of bunnies hopping around on the grass without conflict. If you can find something super dry and unattractive – a soda instruction booklet or a wordless IKEA booklet telling you how to assemble the bed, all the better.

The mental state you’re trying to create is that they’re so bored that falling asleep is more fun than listening to you for another minute.

If their bedtime routine includes a bath, try to avoid giving them bath toys, which will only turn them on, and keep a calm monotone voice when explaining the concept of drainage to them. Note that the child may try to entice you or excite you by splashing or spitting water in your eyes, only to react with the same excitement as a Tom Brokaw impersonated tree stump.

Let the water drip off your face as you stare at them like an unwavering hound.

If you must brush your child’s teeth, do so without saying a word, in long, lazy strokes while listening to sad Celtic harp music.

Even if your technique is so effective that your child is about to go into REM sleep, they’ll still ask for a glass of water, which is easily fixed by putting the child to sleep on a water bed with a Nalgene-style nozzle. . They can drink as much as they want, but warn that if they drink too much, the bed will obviously become uncomfortable.

“But the bathroom,” you whisper to me across the void. “They keep telling me they need to use the bathroom.” (If they’ve drank more than 3/4 of their water bed, they probably do.)

Getting them to stop asking for the bathroom is the boss level in video games that put kids to bed. My own kids used to get up every fifteen minutes or so to use it, until we started paying unemployed actors in creepy zombie makeup to prowl our hallways while we simultaneously said, “Alexa: Please keep playing The Alexa.” The Walking Dead opening credits run from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. “

While everyone needs to do what’s best for them, the kids have clearly been shaken over the past six months, but are very well rested.

We all have different ways of dealing with the problem of your child waking up in the middle of the night and crawling into your bed. Work it out in the way you are most comfortable, as long as you know what you allow will continue.

If you want yourself to get a good night’s sleep, you should get up immediately and take them back to your own bed, it’s so much easier if you don’t watch your kids (don’t they?) while you run your fingers through their hair , the child’s small chest will rise and fall.

Realizing that they will never be this young again, that you are so lucky to have them and be around them, you cannot believe how much joy you derive from their presence.

That’s when you realize: Sleep schedules are totally overrated.

Until, you know, kickball starts.

Illustration by Mary Andrew